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You suck, here's a rant.
Alrighty bitches, it's been awhile since I've busted out a rant...so bear with me if the topics/discussions don't reach the usual "height of asshole-ness" that yer used to. Gonna' touch on a couple of topics today that have REALLY been frosting my balls, So be ready for random switches of topical conversation and all that shit.
One of the things that's been pissing me off to NO FUCKING END is game length. Now I'm not talking about not getting my required 90 hours out of some retarded fucking anime rpg, I'm more concerned with the issue that when I play a sandbox title(think GTA) I should get more than six hours out of it. Yeah, you read that shit right. SIX FUCKING HOURS. The defendant?
-Destroy All Humans-
Now, it's true that I didn't spend the extra "gameplay deepening" time to search random areas to find 100(or whatever it was) hidden dna capsules, as that shit is NOT an integral part of a game. It's a boring as fuck add on that allows the developers to say that they offer a specific 'hour number' of gameplay. GTA:SA for example, has spray paint 'hot spots' and you know how god damn dumb they are. Nobody marks this shit on the game map, and if you're a anal fucking douchebag that has to play a game until it's "completed", then you deserve the million hours of boredom while you search every side alley and underhook apartment complex looking for this shit.
Game devs pay attention, I'm only gonna say this once: THIS SHIT IS NOT FUCKING NEEDED
Now maybe it's the fact that I'm a fucking game beating machine(fuck gamefaqs.com, that shit is for pussies). I mean christ, I only got killed in this game THREE TIMES by the 'bad guys', and I died 3 other times by just fuckign around with random shit(finding out if I could swim cost me a life, jumping off a building cost me a life, and I fell through a city street once). That means that I only died a COLLECTED six times. I never died fighting any of the sorry excuses for boss characters, and the last fight took me a solid 20 minutes more than it should as I was looking for the prerequisite "gimmick" that you normally need to beat a boss(little did I know that all I had to do was just keep shooting).
Maybe it's the fact that the game itself is built so well that I couldn't put it down and just had to blow through it. Hell, it's a gorgeous title and it just feels good to pick it up. The control is spot fucking on, the humor is like A1 sauce for your brain, and the level design was flawless. I literally played through this entire game in 2 sittings...it was that damn good.
However; if we look at from an objective standpoint it just comes down to the fact that the game is too fucking easy. No game in this genre should only be six hours long. Period. Mercenaries(the absolute BEST in this 'sandbox' genre) took me a solid week and was actually challenging(not cheap like some games, it forced me to be GOOD at it and rewarded my skill accordingly). But unlike Destroy All Humans, Mercenaries offers you a FUCKTON OF SHIT to do after you've completed the game. You still have 100% free range over North Korea and you can do A N Y T H I N G you want. Seriously, what the fuck is there to do with DaH after you've finished the main story part of the game? You can walk around blowing shit up or you can fly around blowing shit up.
Thats it.
"But MrWhitefolks, did you unlock everything?"
What the fuck? Do you think this game offers anything worthwhile to unlock? It's nothing but video footage(oh yes, I checked). No secret weapons, no secret vehicle, no super ability, nothin'. I don't know about you, but I'm not gonna spend another 10 hours trying to unlock VIDEO FOOTAGE. Shit like that should be unlocked from the beginning as a 'thank you' for buying the game for 49.95. You know what the worst thing about the ENTIRE experience with DaH was? Seriously?
Finding out that it's developed by the SAME company that gave us Mercenaries. Talk about phoning in the fucking performance.
Alright, now that I got THAT shit out of the way we can get onto the second thing that's been riding my ass.
-Indigo Prophecy-
Now this fucking game...holy shit. This suprised the hell out of me. I was literally drawn into this shit 100% and couldn't put it down. It's the PERFECT evolution of the Maniac Mansion style adventure game. The characters, their mannerisms, the play style, control scheme, everything was flawless....
BUT
When a game like this, which is pretty much dependant on it's story more than anything else(it's not very interactive as it's built to play like a movie) decides to crap out during the last hour; it's actually worse than being disappointed. It just makes you wish that you knew the story would fall apart(someone got REALLY fucking lazy on the script) later, so you wouldn't have to waste your life playing something that would in turn; slap you in the mouth.
Ok, guys who made Indigo Prophecy/Farenheight? If you're going to dedicate a story built around 3 central 'hero' characters and one 'evil' group who want to take over the world(or whatever, as the main 'bad ending' was anything BUT bad) then you need to fucking stick to it. Seriously, do you watch movies? I'm pretty sure you know what happens when a movie introduces a completely assinine 'secondary bad guy' during the 3rd act. It not only takes the viewer(or in this case, the gamer) out of the experience entirely, it leaves you(the writer/developer) a VERY small window to produce anything worthwhile to convince us(the viewer/gamer) that this new entity is worth a shit when compared to the overall story. It honestly felt like you fuckers just wanted another way to get someone to play through the game again. Look fuckers, we don't need 3 endings. The last thing WE(the viewer/gamer) need is to get slapped in the face. Did you actually think we would suspend belief BEYOND what you were already asking us to do?
It's already hard enough to accept that some ancient Mayan priest(and a group of beings that he works for, who incidentally control all aspects of everything in human life[yeah, I know...sounds alot like a shitty X-Files episode that's just bleeding with conspiracy theorum]) is trying to find an orphan girl, who's soul is SO pure(as she's never been reincarnated so she is void of sin...except that doesn't work for anybody that believes that man is born with 'original sin', way to set some ground rules instead of letting us second guess your plot) that she holds the 'ultimate power' that can make you immortal, or give you infinite power, or whatever(it's never defined)...but you actually decided to add ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE as a god damn 2nd tier bad guy?
Who the fuck gave the green light for this shit at the board meeting?
Lemme get this straight, you expect me to believe that the AI that somehow runs our internet and lives in "computer land"(it's right next to fantasy land, where fanboys hang out and discuss how Nintendo is going to win the upcoming console war) would suddenly catch wind of this 'prophecy', manifest itself into our reality and attempt a second rate military coup snatcharoo from the Mayan guy so it can force humans into being a dormant species and take over the earth?
Ok, you know what? Fuck this; I'm fully revealing all major plot points in this game so nobody has to go through the horror that is this game's last hour of play.
You kill a guy in a shitter. But it wasn't really you as you were being possessed(by a Mayan priest of all things). So you run from the cops, talk to your brother for help(he's a priest, and is having 'faith issues'), save a drowning kid in a park, escape the police, dodge giant glowing fleas at work, hook up with your ex-girlfriend, talk to an old bitch who can 'see shit', have flashbacks about exploding army silos, dodge a psychic attack by the Mayan Priest in your apartment(where he throws couches at you), avoid being taken into custody by reading the mind of the hottie officer questioning you, get framed for killing the old bitch, beat up a FUCKTON of cops, talk to a museum currator, and get chased by angels in your brother's church.
Then you watch your ex-girlfriend die, you get killed, fight off giant leapords in the Mayan jungle while you're dead, get ressurected, team up with the hottie officer, find the orphan, fight off the Mayan priest in an almost exact ripoff of Neo vs Smith in Matrix:Revolutions, save the orphan, discover that the old lady(who while dead, was continuously communicating with you) was the INTERNET, hide in an underground subway with a group of bums who are actually mystic badass angel type guys who are trying to help, fuck the hottie officer(in an abandoned subway car), get her preggers, then you go BACK to the army silo that you saw blow up as a kid because THAT area is the ONLY place that this orphan girl will be able to tell you the ultimate secret of the world.
Guess what? This is where you fight and destroy the Mayan Priest, the INTERNET, and you mentally knock out a shitload of(what I'm guessing as there is no explanation for this) tactical Army swat-team guys working for the Mayan Priest, only to have the orphan tell you the secret(and then she dies). All of this just so you can live in a world of normalacy with your new found hottie girlfriend cop and your new super psychic baby(the baby has the same powers as you because it was in your girlfriends womb at the special magical place that you took the orphan).
The end.
Now the next topic I'm gonna do is a quick and easy one(it's late and I'm getting lazy).
-STUPID FUCKS THAT NEED TO DIE, AND WHY-
Every one of these fucks need to go jump in a dumpster full of Ebola.
MrWhitefolks's note: Now while it's quite well known that I LOVE games/movies/etc, it's also known that I can look at ANY game/movie/comic/whatever I fully enjoy from an objective and unbiased standpoint. This is a rare skill that allows one to be a fan, without being a rabid fucking moron fanboy douchebag. There aren't many of us, and this is why you see my reviews the way they are, blunt, honest, and to the point.
Silent Hill Fanboys: These fucks are SO stuck on themselves that they actually think nobody is allowed to discuss this series outside of their 'inner circle'. Even the director/writer of the movie itself(who had to present their idea to Konami of Japan and Team Silent to get the green-light on this project), who are AVID Silent Hill fans don't have the "authority"(whatever the fuck that means) to tell a story based on SH. Now normally this would be the normal bitchfest on any number of videogame forums. We've seen it in regards to Doom, Resident Evil, and countless others. It's just a fact that people who like games, books, and other forms of media do NOT like it when a company hires someone to make a movie out of it. This is to be expected and it's a valid complaint in most aspects as the end product is usually nowhere near the quality of the source material.
My issue does not concern that.
The reason I'm pissed off is because these same kids bitch and moan about the movie being produced, yet they write fanfics or do fanart(usually inserting themselves into game situations)based on the SAME FUCKING SOURCE MATERIAL.
Look asshat, if the PROVEN PROFESSIONAL FILM MAKER/STORY TELLER doesn't have the "authority" to reveal the story of Silent Hill, where the fuck do you get off writing some hack piece of shit fanfic and passing it off for thousands of people to read as if it's the king shit of Silent Hill? When the fuck did you get the "authority" to post some horrible ass fanart of Pyramid Head on your Live Journal/Deviant Art account? Hell, five minutes ago you were lamblasting the creation of this film as if it was worse than anything Uwe Boll could produce, but did you even read any interviews with the director/writers? Of course not. You just reverted to that "making fun of shit on the internet wins" mentality so you can be "hip" with all the other fucking morons. Go slit your wrists you talentless fuck, nobody needs you and we sure as hell won't miss your incessant bitching about the project as it's being produced, nor will we miss your nagging and prudish nit picking after it's released(lord knows you won't spend any of the money you stole from your mom's purse to go see it in theatres).
Rumble Roses Fanboys: When it comes to Konami's al-female wrestling title I take a look at it from the point of what would make it a better WRESTLING game, which is what a good majority of people NEED to do instead of offering up their "educated" ideas and other random garbage. Hell, let's cover a few(taken directly from gamefaqs' own message boards) hightlights of the 'quality posts' that show up here...just so you can see what I'm dealing with.
1)They've come up with new terminology for the title as they don't think that normal wrestling terms are "cute(or "kyoot" if you're a total homo)" enough for the characters in this game.
Ex: Instead of classifying the characters as "wrestlers"(as the manual does, along with anybody that isn't a fucking idiot), they've somehow come up a term known as "wrestlies". See? Isn't that fucking witty?
|)OO|)!!!!! 3`/E M@D3 U|> A WoR|) 4 6i|2L Wr3$7L3r$!!1 IsN'7 dA7 F|_|C|
2)Instead of looking at the game for what it is(a WRESTLING game), they treat it as if it's some childish little fanmade product about hot chicks. When discussing what the sequel would need to help it compete with the more well known and stable wrestling titles in the states(Smackdown, for example), these fucks didn't even bother to take logical or intelligent thought into account. Instead of a discussion about advanced movesets, character customization, balancing issues, match types, etc....what I ended up reading literally made me want to hate the game for lending itself to 13 year old boner induced idiots.
Ex: When asked what would be an INTEGRAL thing you would want added to the upcoming sequel, that would help it's gameplay depth and overall appeal to hardcore wrestling fans(which this title hasn't broughten in due to it's SEVERE lack of depth), I was given these awesome answers:
"Catching Butterflies in a net"(mini game)
"Singing a character to sleep"(mini game)
"Bra and Panties Pillow fight"(mini game)
"Foot tickling mini game"
Now I don't know about you, but the thing that pisses me off most is the fact that 90% of this game's fanbase are ACTUALLY this fucking stupid. This title has the chance to break the mold and become a household name. Christ, it's built by the makers of Smackdown and features chicks HOTTER than Tecmo's Dead or Alive series. All they need to do is add a real sense of depth, a shitload more options, balance it out, and put in a CAW mode and they'd have a game that would sell millions yearly.
But noooooooo, the fanboys don't want a good game. They just want something that'll satisfy whatever retard fetish they have so they can talk about beating off with each other on some god forsaken shithole forum.
Self-Titled "Hardcore" Gamers: Now you motherfuckers....oh you little shits. You pompous little bastards. You're the fuckers who spent countless hours EMAILING game companies because their box art wasn't "cool enough" in the early-mid 90's. You're the lonely douche that sits there bitching and moaning when whatever fucking anime inspired, pastel colored, angst ridden, love story filled RPG of the month doesn't give you you're "60++ hours" of gameplay that it promised on the back of the box. You fucks lamblast anything 3d, while contionously begging for sequels to shitty 2d titles. You're the ones that still think Treasure can do no wrong(even though their last 3 GBA titles were complete shit...INCLUDING ASTROBOY). Yeah you, the whiny fuck that sits there blogging every single fault that the "big developers" have done to you for all of your 3 readers to view.
"OMG ITS SUCH A TRAVESTY THAT THEY DIDN'T PUT *insert character* IN *insert insepid and horribly bugged SNK/Capcom/Namco/Sega/Sammy/Tecmo title here* !!!!!! HE/SHE WAS INTEGRAL TO THE GAME AND NOW I WILL SHARE MY OPINION WITH EVERYONE ON *insert shitty livejournal/myspace.com/blog address here* ABOUT HOW I COULD MAKE SUCH A BETTER GAME!!!. *insert sad/mad/anime inspired macro face here*
Oh, but if that wasn't bad enough? You use this term "hardcore" as if it means anything. Like people are supposed to bow down to you and your worn out wolf t-shirt, acid washed jeans and "4 years too small" windbreaker as if you were the fucking savior of gaming. Hell, 90% of you fucks go by the mindset that if anyone disagrees with you, they just don't "get it" like you do.
Seriously, you want to know where "hardcore" came from? Because I actually fucking know and I've got no problem enlightening you. This term was broughten to the limelight to make the user base of the now defunct Gamefan Magazine(which is where the term itself gained it's famed usage) feel like they weren't complete fucking nerds for knowing which Atlus title was released in 1997 for the Saturn and used the TWO(not one, not four) meg ram cart. It was used as a way to build confidence in these angsty, no social skill having douchebags that did nothing but play videogames in their room all day and then go chat online about them.
Don't believe me, eh? You actually think that staying up 48 hours straight playing Sonic on the Dreamcast in one sitting because you're so god damn POOR you can't afford a fucking VMU makes you cool?
Being 14 and playing roms from the 80's does NOT make you "hardcore".
Knowing what the top tier structure in VF4 is does NOT make you hardcore(especially considering people that know this, suck ASSHOLE at the game).
Talking about how you beat Metal Slug 1(or whatever shitty 2d schmup is "hot" right now) with one life does NOT make you hardcore. Playing an overhyped, piece of shit fighter like Guilty Gear just because it's not from Capcom does NOT make you hardcore(high-res sprites don't make a shitty game better).
Spending 40 hours on some niche, 'previously import only, but now localized' PS2 title does NOT make you hardcore.
Saying "Nintendorks", "Micro$oft", or "Gaystation" does NOT make you hardcore.
Discussing who would win between Super Saiyajin Level 9000 Goku and Superman does NOT make you hardcore.
Dressing up as Cloud or anybody from ANY VIDEO GAME EVER does NOT make you hardcore.
Beating Ninja Gaiden for Xbox on whatever the fuck hard mode is called does NOT make you hardcore.
Y O U A R E N O T S P E C I A L
We don't want to hear about your god damn accomplishments in mediocrity. Nobody gives a fuck if you just replayed FF1 on the N.E.S with all Red Mages. Oh, you found a new pattern to beat the CPU in a fighting game? Go get some god damn friends, find some competition, then come back and talk to me. I don't give two fucking fucks that you beat your best score on DDR. We don't need to hear you incesant ramblings about how EA is the devil. Your friends don't fucking care about your "console war analysis" on 4chan....and I can guarentee that NOBODY gives a shit that you just scored that god-fucking-awful Zelda title for the Phillips CD-I.
Fuck off, and die.
Zelda Fanboys: Here's a fine group of douchebags that STILL think this game is a fucking 'innovative and well designed overhead adventure title'. Ok, how about this then?
Zelda = Nintendo's version of Capcom's infamous Street Fighter 2
Don't believe me? Let's break this down. Not counting the new 3d incarnations, the ONLY version of this game that has been 'different' was the second one on the NES due to it being a side scroller. Zelda 1 has the same ideals and architecture that the Minish Cap does on the GBA. Only difference is the available amount of colors and the advancement of the technology so sprites no longer look like retarded legos. And let's not forget that the basic flow for each game has stayed relatively the exact same for well over TWO DECADES. Seriously, there's no way in hell you nerds can honestly tell me that this game has 'changed' any more than any incarnation of SF2. Same plot, same god damn badguys, same dumbass princess, same retarded missions, same fucking look, same 'we ain't tellin you shit, go wander around for 5 hours' level design.
Lemme know if you see a "big" difference between any of these Zelda titles:
Zelda 1: Overhead style of play, wandering around aimlessly trying to find a dungeon or someone that will let you into one, looking for triforce pieces, need master sword, and attempting to stop the badguy to save the princess and restore peace to the land.
Zelda 3: Overhead style of play, wandering around aimlessly trying to find a dungeon or someone that will let you into one, looking for triforce pieces, need master sword, and attempting to stop the badguy to save the princess and restore peace to the land. Add in a duck, mirror, an alternate reality, new weapons, and better graphics.
Zelda GBC: Overhead style of play, wandering around aimlessly trying to find a dungeon or someone that will let you into one, looking for triforce pieces, need master sword, and attempting to stop the badguy to restore peace to the land. Add in seasonal or time based gimmick and 'system connectivity' bonus.
Zelda GBA 1: Re-release of Zelda 3. Nuff said.
Zelda GBA 2: Overhead style of play, wandering around aimlessly trying to find a dungeon or someone that will let you into one, looking for triforce pieces, need master sword, and attempting to stop the badguy to save the princess and restore peace to the land. Add in gimmick about hat to replace the mirror from the 3rd title(instead of alternate realities, it's a difference in size).
Zelda GBA 3: Re-release of the NES original, for the same price as any other 'new'(and when I say new, I mean it in the "we've developed it sometime in the last two years" way) title on the market.
Hell, you know what? Let's go one step further... Zelda OOT: 3rd person style of play, wandering around aimlessly trying to find a dungeon or someone that will let you into one, looking for triforce pieces, need master sword, and attempting to stop the badguy to save the princess and restore peace to the land. Add in the "time" transition between the age of 10 and 18 and you have one of MANY gimmicks employed to make you forget you're playing the same drivel from 1985...oh yeah, you can learn to play a gay ass pan flute as well.
Zelda Majora's Mask: 3rd person style of play, wandering around aimlessly trying to find a dungeon or someone that will let you into one, looking for triforce pieces, need master sword, and attempting to stop the badguy to save the princess and restore peace to the land. Toss in a "mask wearing" gimmick and you have their attempt to differentiate this title from the one that came out only a year or more prior too.
Zelda Wind Waker: Same god dam thing, but it's cell shaded and you spend your time enjoying Nintendo's "innovation"...and when I say "innovation" what I really mean is spending time on a boat looking for underwater treasure.
Now that you see what I'm working with, if you even think for one second that the new Gamecube version is going to be anything different...you're out of your god damn mind. They've already announced that the gimmick is 'turning into a wolf/dog thing' and it has to do with an 'alternate dimension/reality' that you need to defeat to save the world and restore peace.
Castlevania Fanboys:
I'd like to end this rant with a personal shout out to all the fucking Castlevania whores. Your game is nothing more than a goth version of Super Metroid, with a new gimmick tossed in bi/yearly. Collecting souls, using different weapons, learning new traits, exploring a huge ass castle, etc. It's fucking Metroid dressed up in some velvet with a frilly shirt. Nothing more.
No, SOTN is not the best game ever. No it's not the best Castlevania game ever, as it isn't a fucking Castlevania game. It's a Metroid clone gussied up(yeah, I fucking said gussied) in Victorian era gayness.
MrWhitefolks
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