 |
|
|
|
Friday The 13th
Nes Reviews: Do they still stand the test of time?
Well, what your gonna find here(due to all the backups and delays our site has gone thru; some technical and some just my laziness) are about a ton and a half of nes old school game reviews.
Now, I'm not going to review these based on how they look/sound/whatever. I'm reviewing all of the games here as to how they still stand after being released so damn long ago. Of course, if the game sucks ass...then you will DEFFINETLY know for sure from me(or May-o-Naize who will also be doing reviews). So sit back, enjoy some old school memories, and chill out with the niggas of Pimp-Productions.com as we take you back. Way fuckin' back to when new wave music was the thing, Cyndi Lauper had an audience, and everybody dressed how the gay people do NOW. This my niggas, is the 80's...........
*cue really scary music*
Ok, the first game--shit. Hold on, I gotta have at least one good ass smoke before I go and live out the great(and really REALLY shitty games) of our past. BRB
*five to ten minutes later*
Ahhhhh...word to yo mother.
Alrighty...who's gonna be up first? *sorts thru a list* AHHH! Here's a fuckin winner!
Friday the 13th: Ok, I got no clue as to how the fuck Crystal Lake's mass-murderin' ass bastard of the decade came across as a great game to sell to kids; but here he is...and it seems that the game maker's decided to bring the cheesy movie making over and just turned it into shitty game designing at the same time. Let's see here...
Basically you run from left to right using one of your awesomely rad 6 camp counselors armed with the deadliest item to ever be graced as a starting weapon in a video game(based on a horror movie no less). What could it be? A flamethrower? Nah. A bazooka? Nope. A chaingun with a 500 round clip? Not even close. So, what do they give YOU, the gamer? A rock. Yeah, you heard that right. In a camp, where there is a lawn maitenance guy(i.e; lots of shit thats sharp to get out of a shed), your strapping 16-18yr old starts out with a fuckin rock. Jesus almighty, why not just try to have your bitches blow pingpong balls out their shit at all the fuckin zombies/evil birds/ravenous snakes/and JASON-MOTHAFUCKIN-VORHEES!
*cough*
Now that I got that out of my system, let's not forget that out of your 6 fully capable rock throwing badasses, one randomly gets chosen every 3-5 minutes of zombie hoppin to get his/her ass raped by Jason. What's that mean for you? Basically it means you have 60 in game seconds to get your ass from one side of the camp to the other, or your down to 5 counselors[note:counselors=lives. do the math]. Oh, by the way; if you happen to actually make it in time, you get to square off with the hockey masked badass 1 on 1 in the house of the victims locale, with what? Your rock(well, hopefully you jumped up and down in the air somewhere and found a secret invisable knife on the path). Yep. Your rock. So now we got a game of Punch Out(cept he has a big butcher knife or somethin pimp as fuck like that) and your bustin' his ass! BREAK THAT NIGGA OFF WITH YOUR SKIPPIN STONE! *shakes head* If only I could go back in time and have this game canceled. Countless hours of time could have been used more efficiently by thousands of people. You know, like drinkin MGD, breakdancing, fixing what was wrong with the WWF, anything other than this.
-Here's our recipe for the day-
So if you take one bad ass horror series
Mix it with really REALLY shitty game design
Zombies
A rowboat(you'll see what I mean, just go play the game)
A rock
Evil Crows
Horrid gameplay
And kids from the late 70s/early 80s?
Bake that bitch on bout 450 for a good hour and you get one of the nes classic shitstains. This will be in my closet u.f.m.f.n(Oh, my bad...u.f.m.f.n = until further mutha fuckin notice).
-Word to yo Mother-
MrWhitefolks |
All content, designs, graphics © 2001-2003 Pimp-Productions.com
Founded and created by Edward Veira, Austin Castillo, and Jacob Childs
|