MrWhitefolks Review Extravaganza!!!!111

 Welcome to my explosion of reviews. I'll be covering multiple genres here(including games, movies, anime, and more), the pros and cons of each(based on it's genre) and we'll give it a good ol fashioned rating courtesy of an idea straight out of KrazyKoreanFrank's head.

pimp-productions.com is proud to bring to present:

THE KAZAAM-O-METER



Here's the rundown. The more heads the review gets, the worse it is. Example you ask? Fine by me. A site like www.jasonrivera.com that doesn't suck gets MrWhitefolks RcR sprites. But, on the flip side of the coin, a site like www.ddrseattle.com gets Kazaams(you hold the bar, you get Kazaam'ed bitch).

BEWARE OF THE 5 KAZAAM HEADS! EVIL! BAD BAD BAD!!!

For each set of review-extravaganzas, I will come up with a different "good" icon. But we will always use Shaq to rate the "I wish I was aborted" quality of products. Ok, onto the meat of the article/reviews of doom...


xXx

Ok, who the fuck figured that a douchefuckasstard with shitty catchphrases, horrible action sequences(if you like any of this 'extr3me @cti0n shit then either you're 13, or you're a fag), a NNNAAASSSTTTY lookin 'female lead', and the biggest pussy of a 'bad guy' ever. This movie is so god damn bad that I think I have gone completely sterile thanks to watching it. If it wasn't for Pitch Black being the shit, I'd go hunt Vin down and drop a phatty mushroom dent on his forhead with my cock.



Battle Royale

Now this is a quality fucking film. For one I can honestly say I've never watched a movie, and upon completion think that part of my soul/humanity was gone. It's that god damn badass. It's import only tho, so your gonna have to check it via some import shop. Non-stop wonton mayhem with a story that moves from emotion to god damn emotion so effortlessly that your fuckin befuddled by it. I mean, any movie that starts off with a 12-ish year old Japanese girl clutching a doll COVERED in blood being announced as a winner of a lethal contest is the shit.
It only picks up from there. Watching these explosions, executions, stabbings, lies, friendships being broken, gunfights, flashbacks, blood n guts, a deep and underlying story about how children have come to hate their elders/parents, and the crazyest god damn motherfucker EVER to walk on screen with an uzi/mac-10, just makes you feel overwhelmed by the time this flick is over. This bad motherfucker gets...



Clock Tower

What we got here is an old school PS1 point 'n' click surival horror game that was YEARS ahead of it's time. Never heard of it? No biggie. Wouldn't expect you to. It came out during the whole "if it doesn't have zombies and dogs jumping thru windows..then it isn't horror" part of the 90s. What is it then? A video game version of any badass serial killer movie. You characters don't have any weapons, they can only run from the evil(and hide if capable) while trying to figure out the reason "it" is after you and everybody else in this quiet town.

Multiple endings, a easy to grasp control scheme, and a game that actually SCARES you(when the evil is smart, you shouldn't hide in the same spot twice....ever) is what has been plopped down in front of you. Play it, learn it, love it. Hell, you'll need all the help you can get before CT3 hits next month or so(barring the fact that it doesn't get ripped to death by the censors).



Signs

Ok, this is here via a request from my homie man_in_the_black_pajammas. M. Night Shyamalan's suspense-thriller about an alien invasion is exactly what you expect. Chilling, perfect build of suspense, keeps you locked on every word, and slaps you in the face when it needs to....BUT where it fails is the ending. After all of that character buildup, suspense, and ALL the tension what do we get? One of the worst endings ever.

*below this line is a basic summarization of man_in_the_black_pajammas' opinion on the ending*

"HOW THE FUCK CAN ALIENS THAT ARE KILLED BY WATER EVEN WALK AROUND WHEN THERE IS ENOUGH WATER IN THE AIR TO KILL THEM? SHIT, I COULD JUST SPIT ON EM OR FUCKIN WALK AROUND PEEING ON THEIR "ELITE GROUND SOLDIERS"! AND WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH AN ALIEN TAKING OVER 6 BASEBALL-BAT SWINGS TO THE FACE, BUT NOT HAVE THE STRENGTH TO KICK IN A FEW BOARDS? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS MOVIE SUCKS. IT'S LIKE GETTING A BJ AND RIGHT BEFORE YOUR GONNA BLOW YER LOAD, THE BITCH JUST UPS AND LEAVES. NOBODY LIKES A FUCKING TEASE."



DDR Players

Nuff said.



007:Nightfire

Great license, pretty damn good game. By mixing driving, stealth, and the classy Bond gadgets, this game almost lives up to it's big bad dad(Goldeneye for N64). What stops it? The game can be beat(like most games nowadays) in 1 or 2 days(2 at the max, even on the hardest setting), although the driving parts are extremely fun and entertaining...they're just over to damn quick, and there aren't any badass boss character scenerios. Just wave after wave of thugs while you do an objective(with maybe a 'right hand man' here or there). Hell, the last boss was a fuckin joke compared to the last stage in Goldeneye.

On the other side of the coin, the guns are insanely well done, having at least a secondary function for each weapon AND all the gadgets actually have a purpose. Enemy A.I isn't that bad either, especially the snipers and how they communicate with each other to try and track your location(which I can say added alot of tension to that scenario). Overall, it's worth a rental or a used purchase. But not for 50 bucks.



BloodRayne

Now this is a god damn game. You get a hot ass vamp bitch with some of the coolest fucking shanks ever, a plot that mainly revolves around killing nazi's(like THAT is ever gonna get old), demons, vampires, and more. Easy to control, various modes of vision(for when you need to know where someone is, or to slow down the action, hell...even if you wanna zoom in to pop a cap in the upper section of the eyesocket), MAD hops, and lots of fuckin enemies. It's not to long, not to short. Just the way a game should be nowadays. Christ, with all the fuckin 4 hour garbage companies are putting out(cough...Capcom...cough) this stood out to me.

I mean shit, can you get any cooler when you kill people? Loppin off arms/legs/heads/scalps/chunks/hands/feet/etc has never been this much of a blast. Why? Because it's fluid. Not stop and go. You run into a room full of 30 guys and you put on the Dialated Perception Vision(think Max Payne style bullet time) and just start dodging shit while you either A)unload with your gats or B)you just start hackin shit. You even get a god damn harpoon! It's like the ultimate version of every badass character ever, with tits. Seriously, can you say that a hot ass vampire chick saying "What the fuck?"(uncensored I might add) and flippin' demons the bird isn't the shit?

Well, if you can your probably an elitist gamer prick, so go ahead and close this page and go search up your furry porn. Fuckin wasted aboritions.



The Fighting Game industry
Remember back in the late 90s? Where you had the ability to pick and chose from assloads of fighters(import and domestic)? Yeah, the golden age...

WELL THAT SHITS OVER NOW

No more 'filler' fighters. No more 'options' as what to pick. Nothing around that can be considered a 'cult' fighter. It's all bout the big dogs or nothin(or worse, it's TaoFeng) now. Nobody wants to chance any cash to come up with something worth a damn. We're stuck playing the same played out shit that we've been playing for over 2 years now. MvC2, CvS2, Tekken 4 fucking sucks, VF4 isn't big enough over here to have a demand, and only the Rpg dorks that jerk off at the 12 yr old yaoi bullshit are gonna buy Soul Calibur 2(and that's only for 2 things...Conquest mode, and Link in the GC version).

Thank god I got a Saturn so I can go back and re-invent shit on the older titles to keep myself busy. Karnov's Revenge, Groove on Fight, Galaxy Fight, SF collection, Last Bronx, etc. A whole assload of misc. fighters that are good enough to keep me busy creating shit for them while I wait for something that isn't garbage or an overhyped remake.


And that officially brings this session of the "review-a-thon" to a close. Feel free to drop feedback about this, what you liked, what you hated...why you love me, etc.

Peace

MrWhitefolks
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