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Super Pitfall
Well...number 3, number 3. Which shitty game should it be?
*flips thru countless games*
Hmmmm. What to take a shit on next? *keeps flippin* Aha! Here we go! This is a classic!
Er...well, a classic piece of dogshit. Either way it works for me. The game of this week is "Super Pitfall" for Nintendo's 8-bit system 'o' love. Why is this dogshit? How could a pimp ass game like Pitfall spawn something so down right horrible that it makes you want to use the cartridge to wipe your ass? Well, if you turn Pitfall Harry into Mario(check screenshots) by giving him the exact same jump as Mario; but with air control and the ability to jump THRU the ceiling, shitty swimming abilities, a gun(yes, you heard me...g-u-mothafuckin-n), and double that with a dose of game control that is downright ass, then you've just bought yourself a 1 way ticket to Super Pitfall!
Here's what I could come up with from playing for a straight 30 minutes of agonizing death and pain. 1) NEVER EVER go down the first ladder...you fall off into a pit of spikes. Obviously this game wasn't intending on selling well due to "first impressions". 2)For some ungodly reason, Pitfall Harry decided that he needed even MORE money after going thru the jungle in the first 2 pitfalls for the Atari. So now you run around trying to pick up gold bars, bundles of 3 gold bars, or bundles of 5 gold bars(don't ask me why). 3)Shoot the animals(including scorpions,spiders,snakes,frogs(?),bats,fish,snakes that swim,giant cave dwelling birds, etc). 4)Instead of relying on his wits and athletic ability as in the original, P.H is now carryin a strap into the ruins. So whatever this gun is that he's packin, it's gotta be the equivalent to the Bullet Bill launchers in SMB1. Why? Cause these bullets are fuckin enormous! They're the size of his head for Christ's sake!
Hmmm...*ponders*....any other cool selling points? OH! The music is superb for the 8-bit era(note: EXTREME sarcasm). It's a one run 5-6 second midi that's been looped forever. Do yourself a HUGE favor and turn the sound off(it's on the Bible Adventures area of quality sound for a Nintendo game). Just turn on some of Benny Hinn's musical revivals and you'll know what I mean.
Oh! I almost forgot about swimming! Yeah, water in general is NOT your friend in this game.
Rule #1: Waterfalls are bad. They don't refresh you, or make you feel good about life. Nope...they knock you down(not as in onto the ground, but down a level from what your currently standing on). So, in my cases of playing I've been knocked off of a platform onto spikes, off of a rock onto spikes, off of a platform onto lava, off of a rock onto lava, off of a bridge into water where I was killed by a pirahnna and a snake(Oooo! Tag team action on the n.e.s baby, yeah!)at the same time, and I was also the reciprient of a one way ticket to the bottom of the earth via waterfall.
Example: I jump across a chasm(as you do alot in this game, albiet unsuccessfully due to the control), get hit by a waterfall in mid jump and I fall down not 1, not 5, not 10, but 13(yes, count'em...13) chasms that lead to nowhere! After the 13th, I landed on a bridge(guess it was my lucky number), but was then struck by another section of water(yeah, it doesn't flow really well, it comes off in chunks at you actually) and guess what? I fell into a lava pit. Now isn't that ass? Could you imagine the shit kids were going thru when they bought this game for like 30-40 bucks back in the day? Man, I would've played it for about 5 minutes, then traded it off for a really kickass game like Balloon Fight or somethin. At least in Balloon Fight I could feed the bad guys to a big fish, which is pretty much where this game belongs: Coming out the "love hole" of some fish in the middle of a river.
FUCK THIS GAME. You'd have more fun playing with toilet paper and an old douche.
-Word to yo Mother-
MrWhitefolks
   
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